BONK ! !

My how times flies! It seems only yesterday that I could sit here peacefully and type without a steady barrage of "BONKS ! !" at my kitchen window. Let me see, actually it has been almost two months since 'my' cardinal arrived. People are shocked as to the force with which the cardinal (no, no, he has not been christened with a cutesy name) bonks against the window. The offers at extermination have still been flowing rather freely. The newest solution offered involved putting one of those sticky mouse traps against the window! Although I could appreciate the humor, I have expressed forcefully that he should be left alone. Nature will run its course.

All things run their course. I often think about the fact that that cardinal is trying to eliminate a perceived enemy. I did not say 'an enemy that does not exist', because he instinctively is protecting himself and his family from what has biologically been a real enemy, other male cardinals. Unfortunately, in this case, this bird is attacking a reflection of himself. Psychologists often say that we overreact to people who have the same weaknesses we do. I thought about that today as I was starting to clean up the breakfast dishes after mass. Some church officials think that they are protecting the people of the Church, and I think I am protecting the people of the church. They point out how we are wrong and we point out how they are wrong. Who is 'right'? Both and neither of us. The frustration lies both in occasions of superficial dialogue and periods of zero dialogue between the two parties. My husband smugly taunted me from behind his laptop the other evening with "Face it, you're not worthy. You're Catholic." To which I replied (although I waited until after the third declaration.) "I know. I knew years ago when I first started to take those Diocesan classes and ,at the end of the first year, every man in the room was given a paper to indicate their intentions to become involved with the diaconate program. I, with a degree in secondary social studies education, and some years of ministry involvement under my belt, sighed at the intended slight. But , you know, there are so many people in the church that need to be taught that they are worthy." End of dialogue.

The question now lies in ascertaining just how many times I will continue to hurl myself against those stain glass windows, just to try and protect what I think needs to be protected. Others whom I greatly respect have recently ceased their ministries in our parish. They have stated that their faith in God is not wavering but that they no longer want to waste their efforts rallying against a system that has been shown to be oppressive and ineffective. They can probably help others by turning away from church ministry. Me? I think about who it is that I am really protecting with every BONK against the glass. The people of the parish? my ego? or my insecurities about walking away from the institution? The length of time of the perceived confrontations will depend on exactly how long it takes me to separate what the institution tells me is my role in ministry, and what ministries God assigns me. Nature will run its course.

White Dove

High up in the blue sky
Wings of hope are spreading wide
A white dove is dancing
Flying free and happily.

White Dove
White Dove
Flying higher and higher.

Lest my country's
clean and blue skies
should be cloudy and grey.


These are the lyrics to the Korean Peace Anthem. 'Casting Crowns' (Christian band) sang a version of this anthem during their trip to perform in North Korea. Part of the song is sung in Korean, and done quite beautifully. The irony is that the song is 'hidden' on the band's CD. Months ago I played the CD while doing dishes and mopping the floor. I guess I had not noticed when the CD was through and I was left alone in silence. Suddenly, after what I would find out was a 3 minute wait. "White Dove" hauntingly played. I liked it so much that I tried to replay it, but there was no track. I had to play the 'All Because of Jesus" song to get to it. I like the first song, but definitely not as much as White Dove. A little peeved that I could not separate them to record it, I turned it off after two plays.

Last month I was listening to my computer's DJ going through my recorded songs and again noticed the pause after 'All Because of Jesus'. AHAH !!! I could certainly separate White Dove on the computer! But , my lack of computer skills humbled me again. I would have to ask someone to do it for me.....

That's when it finally occurred to me that we would discuss it next year in Confirmation. The fact that the kids may have to quiet themselves, concentrate and listen to "All Because of Jesus" (The history and teaching of the Church) then wait for the Holy Spirit to wrap them up in its goodness (White Dove). The Church is their entryway to the Spirit, and Confirmation is the completion of their initiation.

And for me? After reading Rohr's book, the song reinforces to me I should be very thankful to the institutional Church for my religious and spiritual formation. I am certainly most grateful. Yet, at this stage of my formation, I will not hear the Spirit if I only listen to generalized instruction from random Church officials. I realize that I must rely more and more on listening to the Church's teachings, but wait for the White Dove to present itself for my personal assignments.

That thought hit home today as I attended our parish's 'sign up' meeting for communion distributers. I watched a very human church representative literally drive people from the church before starting the meeting after mass. I watched the faces of those told to hurry out because they were a distraction, and then listened as to how I was to reverence the Precious Blood. I listened, signed a paper stating my intentions to distribute Holy Communion, then walked to my car alone, fighting back tears for those who had walked out earlier without signing the paper... alone. "Precious Blood"? I just watched it being spilled I drove away in silence, not calling anyone on my cell phone to espouse how incensed I was. This was different. I knew that, at this stage of my life, that I must wait and the Spirit will come to me with its 'Wings of Hope spreading wide."

And the album you can find this song on? Ironically, "The Altar and The Door." Casting Crown's album about the difference between what we talk about in church and the way we act away from the Altar. I saw two completely different versions of the Gospel gazing at that Altar today, and with the grace of the Holy Spirit, at least I know how to walk back up to it next Sunday.

Moving On

"Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr has been a wonderful blessing, as books go. Every chapter struck a chord from the past, "I knew that!" or "Yes, happened to me." or resonated with ideas that intrigue me for future use.

"Life is not, nor ever has been, a straight line forward."

"Well, after all is said and done, remember that church practice has been more influenced by Plato than Jesus."

"Every time God forgives us, God is saying that God's own rules do not matter as much as the relationship that God wants to create with us."

"Jesus' ability to find a higher order inside constant disorder is the very heart of his message--and why true Gospel, as rare as it might be, still heals and renews all that it touches."

"Salvation is not sin perfectly avoided, as the ego would prefer; but in fact, salvation is sin
turned on its head and used in our favor."

" I do not think you should get rid of your sin until you have learned what it has to teach you. Otherwise it will only return in new forms, as Jesus says of the 'unclean spirit' that returns to the house all 'swept and tidied' (Luke 11:24-26)

"God and Jesus' only job description is one of constant renewal of bad deals."

I highlighted so many phrases in the book, that I could go on and on. But I made myself choose one more for the road:

"Invariably when something upsets you, and you have a strong emotional reaction out of proportion to the moment, your shadow self has just been exposed. So watch for any overreactions or over denials. When you notice them, notice also that the cock of St. Peter has just crowed!

I am going to finish the final two small chapters tonight and give the book on to someone else tomorrow. I would love to have the book read by five others and then get together to talk about it , just for an hour? Probably not necessary, After someone reads this book, there will be a smile, and a nod of the head and we will both move on.