What You Might Have Been

"It's never to late to be what you might have been." George Elliot


That quote is one of the few words that lay on my makeshift altar in the parlor. Too large to fit in my wallet, too small to hang on the wall, that small piece of cardboard lies flat at the foot of a statue of Jesus, amid other artifacts from my spiritual journey.


Today I have removed the Advent candles from my altar and am set to bundle all my props for the new confirmation classes that begin next Sunday. Musing that again only one candle has even been slightly burned over Advent despite all my good intentions to have done otherwise, I gazed at that small plaque and tried to understand why I had failed to spend more time in 2011 in my parlor dedicated to prayer. Knowing that a relationship with God is more worthwhile than any endeavor, I still have trouble committing to a set time of prayer,reading and worship.
I really want to stick to a standard of prayer and daily worship.

A former runner who understood that lacing up my shoes and taking those first few steps was the toughest part of distance running, I opened up 'The Word among Us' to January 2. "Let what you heard from the beginning remain in you. If what you heard from the beginning remains in you, then you will remain in the Son and the Father." (1 John 24). Maybe my trouble was not committing to an idea, my problem was that I sometimes depend too much on people today for spiritual gudiance. Memories of those people who had initially jump- started my faith journey flooded my consciousness. When had I strayed from their inspiration? A mature prayer life would mean that I follow the light that so initially mesmerized me. My mentors encouraged me to follow God according to His guidance, not what others told me worked for them.

I continually preach to countless Confirmation students: "You are unique. " "The Spirit dwells in you." "Use your gifts to build the kingdom and you will receive the fruits of the Spirit." I tell them that they are privileged to function within the walls of a great institution in which they should appreciate the guidelines that will guide their paths. That we walk is important, the specifics will be up to us and our personal relationship with the God. I guess I need to listen to my own words. Quit judging yourself on standards meant for others. I recognize God in many people and places, yet my path is different from those that others walk.

There are many paths up a mountain. Going to mass is important. Praying the Rosary is important. Reading is important. Quiet reflection time is important. All modes of spiritual travel are important. No one can diagram the specifics for me except the Spirit. Putting myself in situations where He may guide me will encourage peaceful journeys. I cannot judge that a specific routine in my parlor will guarantee growth. But I can guarantee that merely going into the parlor for periods of reflection
to read, pray the rosary, listen to music, visit with someone, or reflect quietly, will never leave me feeling that I am inadequate in His sight.

How appropriate that I am tearing my altar apart today, separating what stays and what goes with me 'for the road" this confirmation season. That saying from George Elliot will be the first article that my class will place at the feet of the statue of Jesus on our class altar. For the word 'Believe' stands stoically in the right hand corner, and reinforces the thought that we need to believe in ourselves as well as the Father. We set the limits. Members of our families set limits. Our clergy sets limits. The Spirit sets no limits.

It's never to late.

It's Enough

"Why can't people just give people presents when they need them?" "Why do they have to make a big deal doing it at Christmas time?" Quotes from my twenty-something daughter about two weeks ago when I asked her to make a Christmas list for her relatives to take a look at. I understood what she was talking about but didn't really think about it until she called a little while ago complaining at the chaos of shopping at a Toys R Us store for her soon- to- be born nephew. I smiled at her call because this morning, as I readied for my last official Christmas shopping trip, my racing mind came to a halt with the sound of "It's Enough." No, it was not a comment on how complete my list was, but a comment on trying to please all those who were on my 'Christmas List.'

Thinking of the perfect present, finding the perfect present, buying the perfect present, wrapping the perfect present , and triumphantly perfectly presenting the perfect gift to someone in a perfect Norman Rockwell setting, was not going to make my relationship with the recipient of my gift any more perfect. It's enough that I know them. It's enough that they are my family. It's enough that those friends on my list are special to me because of who they are to me twelve months of the year. It's enough. They are on my list because they are involved with my life and thus know me so well that they will not be fooled into thinking that I am the perfect family member or friend because of what I wrap for them. It's enough for them for me to be. It's enough that they know what I think about them and feel for them. Those true Norman Rockwell moments capture the simplicity of family and friends as they interact in each other's lives. It's the togetherness in the natural settings of lives with hugs and smiles, eye rolls and admonishments.

Did you ever have plan a celebration for someone who says, "Now, don't overdue it! It's enough that my family is all around me." I later thought that that is what I should have told my daughter, "Yes, people can give presents to each other 365 days a year." "Yes, no one should rush around like maniacs in the streets and the stores to 'celebrate' Christ's birth." But the imperfect actions of imperfect people trying to celebrate the birth of 'Perfection' in a way, is perfect?!

So, as I sit amidst several unsigned Christmas cards yet to be mailed, sale fliers to scan, packages to be wrapped, bills to be paid, unread newspapers and magazines to be glanced at, thank you notes to be written, I look up at the Christmas candles, Cd's, and decorations and think how Christmas is not suffocating nor inappropriate. Each Christmas season reminds me that I am a colorful thread woven between the Almighty and those I come into contact with throughout the year. A lot of tension is naturally produced in a seemingly eternal, emotional tug of war, but with every pull I am reminded that I part of something eternal. An imperfect part of a vast perfect kingdom.

And it's enough.

Following the Star

Although the Kings came from afar to arrive at the stable, I cannot really say how far away that 'nearby' field was from which the shepherds came to the manger. I mean, they were familiar with the terrain, did that make it a little more difficult to think that something miraculous was happening so near?

Let a little light from that Star illuminate my surroundings, and let my curiosity about what lays in that stable lure me to join the others. Let that light assure me that the rich, the poor, and those who seem very foreign, all will gather together to witness a new birth.

Little lights this Advent as of this writing?

---My husband and I stopped to eat at a local buffet after Christmas shopping. Returning to my booth with my plate, I saw three twenty-somethings quietly bowed in the adjacent booth. I could not help looking on with awe that they were so reverently thanking God for their meal in such a public place. "Good For Them!" I thought. "Truly the Reason for the Season!" Then I realized that they were reverently bowed over their cell phones, texting! I grinned, not at them, but at me for misinterpreting. I have kept my eye out for the times this Advent when I am more intent on what I am interested in rather than enjoying the company of those near me.

---I decorated the house last week in accordance with the Season. Ironically, the fact that I replaced our mantle clock with our manger scene has made me aware how much time I spend checking the time. Every time I glance up to see what time it is, I am reminded that maybe the manger should guide me more than the expectations of time? My husband has more than once made the comment, "I miss that clock." But, so far, neither one of us has moved the mantle clock back to its prominent position.

---My daughter is very pregnant right now and is due around the first of January. The excitement with which she and her husband are preparing for their son's arrival is a constant reminder of that Holy Night. The birth they are awaiting will certainly change their lives. I watch them prepare and am reminded that birth brings with it awesome responsibility. Be prepared for change when approaching that stable. But what great joy lies within!

Keep following that Star..............

Repeat !!

It has been an interesting Advent, to say the least. Although initially I found yuletide encouragement by reading an article, my steps have been hurried as of late by my interaction with those who walk by me (and sometimes with me!) on their own Advent journeys. In the past two days I have encountered a couple of friends who seemed slightly spent. Disheartened? Never! But, spent, all the same. Their faith in God always inspires me, but it was actually the fact that they were tired, that intrigued me. Being there for family, friends and their church while dealing with painful physical issues has to require a very special effort on their part. I tried to think of ways to help them out on their journey, but instead saw my own schedule looming in the background.

So as I went about my daily tasks, I grabbed a handful of Christmas Cd's to listen to while I worked. A couple of days ago I started out the season with the Christmas music from our local choir, which has always made me appreciate the fact that I was raised in a small church where I actually knew most of the people. I later selected a Michael Smith CD which reminded me of the many, many, Christian Cd's artists that have never failed to inspire me anytime of year. Then, with a grin, I picked up one of the WOW Christmas Cd's I have collected over the years, complete with rap tributes!! Muffling a gagging noise, I rocked on with the popular artists and their sincere attempt to 'own' the old mainstays of traditional music. (Not a lot of mention of the Christ child, but joyful warbling all the same.) So today I was ready for something that I did not think I could play while others were around. Ah! The Priests! Great voices, traditional music with varied interpretations!

A seasonal AH HA moment came upon me when I heard the Priests sing The Little Drummer Boy. I wanted to hear it again and again, but did not want to wander in and out to hit reverse. I suddenly realized that yesterday, without my glasses, I had hit the wrong button to what I thought would reverse and play again a favorite song on Michael Smith's Cd. Of course it took the fourth time hearing it play for me to realize that I had not pressed the intended button. I did not even know that there was even a repeat button on my Cd player! So I now intentionally pushed 'Repeat' and listened to the Priest's wonderful rendition of the Drummer Boy over and over. I thought of my friends and realized that I did not need to think of anything 'new' to do for them either. I remembered what actually brought us into each others lives in the first place. We actually knew each other because our paths had crossed as we followed the Star that led us to the manger. We eventually stood together at a simple stable and shared the wonderment of how something so simple and pure could fixate both Kings and Shepherds.

So, to help my friends this Advent season, all I have to do is actually hit 'Repeat'? Prayers, smiles, waves and hugs are the songs that can be simply repeated over and over and over and over and over. The simple tune that the Little Drummer Boy played for the greatest friend he would ever know, was enough. The Christ was his friend, and he played for Him what stirred his soul. The simple notes were enough.

So this Advent, to honor Him, I will play for them.

Do I hafta?

Sunday December 4, 2011 Today I must, can, outta, should, will put up the Christmas tree, decorate the house, write some Christmas cards,and make a list of presents to give to those I usually give gifts to. Yet, as I watch the overly commercialized season unwrap, the only real twinkling lights that flash in my mind spell out: DO I HAFTA?

No one has ever accused me of being Martha Stewart. I once wrote a little blurb in our church newsletter about how not worrying about 'getting things done' at Christmas actually enriched my holiday rather than frustrated my Yuletide experience. Nice try Karen. Not going to work this time. Sighing my 'way-to familiar' sigh, I knew I needed motivation from a different angle (angel?) this year. I was once given and really enjoyed the book, "Skipping Christmas". Even though I got the message then, I felt I still needed a fresh pep talk this year. As usual, the Spirit did not disappoint!"

The December issue of Catholic Digest had an article "What my Jewish students taught me about Christmas." that is now nudging me through this holiday. The author viewed the Christmas season as a laundry list of empty chores that only kept her from her usual daily routine. She would either disappoint others if she neglected Christmas or would disappoint herself if she made a mockery of what was supposed to be a season of faith and commitment. Then one day her class discussed a story about Eleizer, a young boy in a concentration camp who had witnessed the hanging of a boy younger than he. Eliezer quit believing in God and refused to pray on Yom Kippur, the way he used to. "I was alone--terribly alone in a world without God. I stood amid that praying congregation, observing it like a stranger." The kids discussed whether or not he should have prayed anyway, or if it was hypocritical to do so.

One child replied, "No, The Torah tells you to follow God's rituals even when they make no sense. It's called, 'Na'aseh V' Nishma'--We will act and we will understand. First you do the acts, then you'll understand God. If Eliezer had observed the holiday, he might have recovered some faith." (Well) you also have to read the Torah to understand the symbolism of the acts and think about it."

The teacher went home, pulled out the Christmas lights and decorated her ficus tree with the traditional little white lights. Then she went and pulled out her Bible and started to read. "With each task during the holiday season, she continued to read the Old Testament filled with characters who were 'flawed and floundered in their faith--just like me, yet, chosen'."

On Christmas Eve, she sat down and read "God's final promise to the Jewish people: 'See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before Me. Then suddenly the LORD you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come.'"

She wrote that the Lord did come at Christmas Eve mass. Everything that the angels saw, she saw. Her final words in the article were: "I gazed through the window at the dark cloudless night, the countless winking stars, Na'aseh V'Nishma. I had acted and, finally, I understood."

So, todayI started to quietly pull out the cards from the cupboard, the decorations from the closet, and the gift list from my memory. As each act of decorating must be accompanied by an attempt to understand those acts, I left a commentary on Isaiah, and several Christmas magazine issues near my chair. Acting and trying to understand the whys of those actions will take me to the manger with more awe than ever?

Yes, this time I smiled at those twinkling lights that spell out , " I HAFTA!!"

Tell No one

Growing up, I never understood why Jesus would say to the apostles, "Tell No one". If the miracles that they witnessed were life changing, why on earth would not Jesus let them shout it from the roof tops? On my spiritual journey I learned to view his message differently and I would like to think I now have a good grasp of that piece of Scripture. Yet this morning as I distributed the Precious Blood at communion, I thought about it again.


I have only been a Eucharistic minister for about four months but I still can't get over the many who take the bread, but pass the cup. Someone told me before that it would bother me and that I would want to say, "Hey! You gotta try this!" Would I ever say that? Heck no! Does that make me a bad evangelist? Maybe. But I prefer to think that "Tell no one" in this case may mean that I need not verbalize what Jesus, through the Spirit, will take care of in time. I have no idea where that person is on his journey, but God does. I did not take the cup until I was in my forties and one day during mass, it was 'right'. The interaction I had with those of faith and an openness to the Spirit led me to the cup, not someone's demand.


Although I was disappointed at those who walked by me this morning, I did receive a special affirmation of the presence of the Spirit as I looked into the eyes of those whose hands reached out for the cup. They never said a word and, yet, I got the message.

I hope that I am able this week, through prayer and the completion of tasks set before me, to set the stage for the Lord's message to reach others as well.

In Ten Words or Less.

A couple of weeks ago, someone asked me, "In ten words or less, what can be done to bring the two parishes together?" He immediately smiled softly when I quickly explaimed, "You KNOW I can't explain anything in less than ten words!" So, grinning as well, I gave him some short sentences in several blurts, and I think he knew what I meant. But I thought about it on my walk the next day, and after about an hour (hoping noone saw me running the words along my fingers to see if I had it under ten words!) I came up with: "Prepare a feast and they will ALL come to table." I even wrote it on a post it note so I would not forget. I wanted to give it to him when I saw him next, but I later thought better of it. Who was I to think I had a handle on the truth? But I almost emailed others to get their answers, in ten words or less. I guess I didn't because I really do not think that it matters.

And the Truth?

Entering the correct password to this blog, on the fourth try, indicated that I have had limited keyboard time lately. I could cite the usual reasons, busy at work, at home, and at church. But the truth may be that I have been at a loss for words lately. (Aw....come on, quit laughing!) Really! My fingers used to fly on this keyboard describing anything and everything that crossed my mind. Tonight, I have thus erased several words, lines, and paragraphs. Heart is not in it? More like my mind is not in it. I am restless. And I am resting in my restlessness? I am content in my restlessness? Close.


Our pastor, Father Bob, passed away last month. I have a small picture of him, on my dining room table, as he blessed the bride and groom at my daughter's wedding two years ago. I never thanked him enough for officiating that wedding. Father Bob was a blessing to me and my family that day. I now sigh as I glance at that picture, surrounded by leaves and fallish decorations, and remember the blessings he brought to our parish. I sigh again when I remember moments of his interaction within our parish walls that would definitely not be described as a blessing. Hindsight dictates that the man remarkably staved off three types of fourth stage cancer for almost a year in an attempt to serve God's people. Hindsight also dictates that maybe others should have stepped in to help him when he did not see the need for help. Help that might have served God's people just as well? The question now remains, who held the truth to what should have been done "in the best interest" of the parish?


My restlessness may be a result of dealing with that frustration. Who holds the truth? We have a new priest in charge now. I have known him for about five years from my interaction with our neighboring parish. I enjoy his homilies and have no doubt that he will serve his parishioners in any way he can. I am sure that he has a good understanding of the "Truth". Could I tell him anything that would help him? Am I aware of 'Truths" that could serve "the best interests" of our parish? Could there be different truths from different factions? "Truth"could be my buzzword for the year.


I have recently been previewing movies and books for my confirmation students to watch and read as part of their preparation to receive the sacrament. This week I am reading "Catholic Reluctantly", a paperback that follows eight Catholic high school students as they grow and interact. One of their teachers gave them this poem from David Craig:


"If you want the truth,
you must look for it.
It's that simple,
If it's there, it will stick a foot out
as you pass; he will hold his side laughing
as you fall....

It will be more than you expected.

But then, of course, you must decide
what you're going to do with him.
He might start to follow you around--


You can just picture him
down on the corner with the boys,
trying to fit in--your friends will hate him
but won't be able to ask him to leave because of his size.
He'll try to sing the bass part, completely destroy the harmony.


No sir, you won't be able to take him anywhere."



The kids in the story have faced many situations in which the truth has tried to sing bass, distrupting the harmony they strive to daily create among their peers. Relating their struggles to my own faith walk in our parish has been interesting. Their struggles with the truth is indeed setting each character free. I am hoping for the same results.

The Great Gathering

Excerpts from a chapter of Jake Colsen's work "The Great Gathering":

"Jesus saw the church as a reality, not an assignment for his followers to construct."
One way to construct the church? --"stay focused on him.'

"Where Jesus is given first place, the church simply emerges in wonderful ways. He will place you in the body exactly as he desires. And as those relationships grow, you may find yourself surrounded by a group of people who want to walk in more intentional community together. That's an amazing thing when it happens, but still you have to keep your focus on him. Even groups that start out centered on him are easily and quickly tempted to organize themselves to death. When Jesus ceases to be the object of our pursuit, our touch with his body will fade into emptiness."

"Real Community is not something we fabricate by any means. It is a gift God gives."

About the institution: "We are generous about it. We don't overly manipulate people, but nothing we do directly encourages people to live this kind of life. We talk about it, we want people to do it, but our efforts are geared to the growth and success of this institution. We 're not teaching them to depend on him in any practical way, but to find security in being part of what we do."


"Geese fly together not because they are obligated to do so, but because it lightens their load and lifts them closer to their goal. " "That's the gathering. It's not when you meet, where you meet, or how you meet in meetings, but that you are gathering your heart to him. If that's happening, you usually won't find yourself going it alone very long. You'll find others heading the same direction and by traveling together you'll be able to help one another along the way. Thar's why you only hurt yourself when you look for people who want to meet a certain way or think like you do about everything. Every person who crosses your path, be they believer or unbeliever, in an institution like this or outside of it, is a potential partner in this journey. By loving each of them to the degree that they may allow, you'll participate in his great gathering."

"This is his joy he draws you to, not some tiresome duty or empty promise."

Take Aim

Aim at Heaven, and you will get earth thrown in.

Aim at earth and you get neither.

C.S. Lewis