BONK ! !

My how times flies! It seems only yesterday that I could sit here peacefully and type without a steady barrage of "BONKS ! !" at my kitchen window. Let me see, actually it has been almost two months since 'my' cardinal arrived. People are shocked as to the force with which the cardinal (no, no, he has not been christened with a cutesy name) bonks against the window. The offers at extermination have still been flowing rather freely. The newest solution offered involved putting one of those sticky mouse traps against the window! Although I could appreciate the humor, I have expressed forcefully that he should be left alone. Nature will run its course.

All things run their course. I often think about the fact that that cardinal is trying to eliminate a perceived enemy. I did not say 'an enemy that does not exist', because he instinctively is protecting himself and his family from what has biologically been a real enemy, other male cardinals. Unfortunately, in this case, this bird is attacking a reflection of himself. Psychologists often say that we overreact to people who have the same weaknesses we do. I thought about that today as I was starting to clean up the breakfast dishes after mass. Some church officials think that they are protecting the people of the Church, and I think I am protecting the people of the church. They point out how we are wrong and we point out how they are wrong. Who is 'right'? Both and neither of us. The frustration lies both in occasions of superficial dialogue and periods of zero dialogue between the two parties. My husband smugly taunted me from behind his laptop the other evening with "Face it, you're not worthy. You're Catholic." To which I replied (although I waited until after the third declaration.) "I know. I knew years ago when I first started to take those Diocesan classes and ,at the end of the first year, every man in the room was given a paper to indicate their intentions to become involved with the diaconate program. I, with a degree in secondary social studies education, and some years of ministry involvement under my belt, sighed at the intended slight. But , you know, there are so many people in the church that need to be taught that they are worthy." End of dialogue.

The question now lies in ascertaining just how many times I will continue to hurl myself against those stain glass windows, just to try and protect what I think needs to be protected. Others whom I greatly respect have recently ceased their ministries in our parish. They have stated that their faith in God is not wavering but that they no longer want to waste their efforts rallying against a system that has been shown to be oppressive and ineffective. They can probably help others by turning away from church ministry. Me? I think about who it is that I am really protecting with every BONK against the glass. The people of the parish? my ego? or my insecurities about walking away from the institution? The length of time of the perceived confrontations will depend on exactly how long it takes me to separate what the institution tells me is my role in ministry, and what ministries God assigns me. Nature will run its course.